Although everyone communicates in their own way, there is a broad tendency for men and women to differ in their communication styles. As a general rule, women tend to look for - and often find - a deeper meaning in conversations, whilst men are inclined to take things at face value.
It is also common for women to want to talk about a problem; not necessarily to find a solution, but more to express how they are feeling and as a way of obtaining empathy and emotional support. In comparison, when men talk about a problem, they are often looking for specific answers and practical advice. This can cause difficulties and frustration between the sexes.
For example, a woman might air her annoyance and hurt over a colleague who she feels has treated her badly at work. In all probability, she just wants to get things off her chest and hear her boyfriend agree with her that the colleague is indeed a terrible person and express sympathy for the awful day she had at work.
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Instead, her boyfriend may want to solve this problem for her, and suggest some practical way of solving the issue, such as complaining to the boss, having it out with the colleague or perhaps doctoring their tea with salt. This frustrates the woman, as she wanted empathy rather than practicality. The man will also feel annoyed as he thinks that his advice is being rejected.
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 Men and women cope with stress in differing ways ... men tend to withdraw and become silent, whereas women often feel the need to talk things through.
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Alternatively, the man may not even address the problem. This silence may be mistaken by the woman for lack of interest, rather than the fact that the man may be simply unsure of what to say or how to deal with the issue.
Men and women cope with stress in differing ways too; men tend to withdraw and become silent, whereas women often feel the need to talk things through. However, in talking things through, men can feel that the woman is in some way blaming them and become defensive. They then withdraw, which in turn leads the woman to believe that she is being rejected.
It's important to realise that although men and women communicate differently, there is no 'right' or 'wrong' way. Both sexes need to take some time to understand the various ways in which the other deals with stress and problems and how they handle communication in general. For example, women should give their man the space and time he needs and shouldn't expect him to talk over every problem or feel rejected when he doesn't. On the other hand, men should understand a woman's need to talk things through and not think that the feelings she discusses are a personal attack on him.
The following table sets out some of the major communication differences between men and women; do bear in mind however, that there are always exceptions to the rule and you should always take the time to understand how YOUR partner communicates.
| Women tend to ... |
Men tend to ... |
| Communicate their feelings in metaphors and with depth. |
Speak literally,calling a spade a spade. |
| Analyse relationships and look for deeper meanings in what's being said
to them. |
Take what's being said to them at face value. |
| Talk about their personal problems. |
Deal with problems by themselves. |
| Feel comfortable about expressing their emotions. |
Find it difficult to express emotions, although they can be quick to
show anger. |
| Notice when someone's troubled - even when nothing has been said. |
Be oblivious to someone else's problem until it's spelled out for them. |
| Think out loud. |
Keep quiet. |
| Express sympathetic concern for a friend easily. |
Give practical advice rather than emotional empathy. |
| Talk about their feelings and about other people rather than
'things'. |
Talk about sport, work and 'things' rather than feelings. |
| Talk more than men but still make good listeners. |
Interrupt conversations to voice their point of view. |
| Plan ahead in relationships. |
Take relationships one day at a time. |
As you get to know someone, it's important to learn to recognise and work with these communication differences to reduce misunderstandings and frustrations.
For example, think about a typical scenario: a couple get back home from work at the end of the day. Both may want to wind down in very different ways; the woman may want to discuss the ins and outs of her day to gain emotional release from stress, whereas the man may simply want to shut himself away for a while. If neither have an awareness of the other's needs, what may happen is that the woman chats for a while, with the man becoming more and more glazed and uncommunicative as time goes on, until he finally stomps off to somewhere quiet. He's frustrated by what he sees as her unnecessary chatter, and she's upset because she feels that he's ignoring her or doesn't care about her or her day.
However, once the couple realises how the other one deals with stress and problems, it can become much easier. Maybe they agree that the woman saves her discussions until later in the evening, giving the man some time to wind down and relax first. Remember, it's not about suppressing your own feelings and needs, it's more about finding a way in which BOTH your communication needs can be satisfied.
