Learning from Previous Relationships

Taking some time out between relationships can be very important; it can give you time to re-evaluate what you have learned in the past and what you may want out of any new relationship. This will change over time - what you wanted five years ago is probably quite different to what you want now.

As we get older, we have to deal with more and more emotional baggage as we embark upon various relationships. Anyone who has been hurt in the past is naturally reluctant to fall in love again, just in case they get hurt again. However, it's important to use these past experiences to understand why previous relationships would never have worked in the first place and as a guide for future dating experiences.

It's important to remember that all relationships involve hurt at some level; if you are unable to be hurt by someone, then you can only feel indifferent to them. However, by accepting this risk, you will also open yourself up to the possibility of love, affection and passion.

When a relationship goes wrong, we often look for someone to blame and focus our anger on. However, placing all the blame on the other person rarely helps us to move on and grow; if everything was someone else's fault, then how can we ever learn from our mistakes? This is not about turning the blame on yourself; it's more about looking at your part in the relationship and learning to recognise the danger signs so that you can handle the situation differently in the future. Coming out of a bad relationship can give you the chance to recognise the elements that you don't want in the future. Then, if those incidents happen again, you can say to yourself, "No, I've been here before and it didn't work, and I'm not going to let it happen again". You can use those negative experiences to emphasise where you don't want to be and use that as part of your guidelines for the future.

When you are deciding what you want out of a new relationship, try to avoid thinking that you're making some sort of terrible mistake by picking or attracting the wrong person, or that all men or women are untrustworthy and are only there to hurt you. Although it's completely normal for your trust to be undermined when a relationship has failed, it is vital to remember that everyone is different and you can't really make a decision about new partners until you have dated them a few times. Yes, there are people out there who might treat you badly and mess you about, but they'll probably look and sound just the same as the ones who could treat you well and make you feel great. What's important is to take a little time to sort the good from the bad and to get to know the people you date properly before coming to any decision about them. Keep telling yourself that every person is an individual and no two relationships will ever be the same; it's up to you to create a clean slate so that the new relationship is given the best possible start.

Don't start looking for a new relationship if you are still hurt and sad about your last one.
Don't put the blame on either your ex or yourself; instead, think about why the relationship started to fail.
Try to see if you can recognise any common elements that may have been repeated in your previous relationships.
Use these past experiences to help you to handle similar situations differently in the future.
Try to look on dating as a chance to have some fun and meet new people. Remember though, that everyone is different.

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